One of the reasons I got along with so many of my first coworkers was that they took time to listen to me, laughed when I got awkward, and laughed with me laughing at myself for my awkwardness. I felt accepted then, and I'm quite sure toward the end with all of the new people, I became more closed off, because that changed. The new people didn't seem to really accept me, and I often felt a little bit judged, though about what I'm not sure. I may have appeared stuck up, because of some slight disagreements early on, but I was never one to argue too much.
I began to feel like I was being distanced and overlooked. There were a few coworkers I felt a little comfortable in confiding a little bit about what I was experiencing, and always half-joked with them that I was an afterthought or last consideration in the office. I say half-joke, because it was exactly how I felt: neglected.
In an effort to fix that problem, I pointed out to my manager that I needed more communication. I made an effort to provide an opportunity to improve that communication by requesting a meeting with her once a month so that we could discuss the needs I might have on my particular position. That was agreed upon and she originally though it was a great idea, but we only ended up having two meetings. By the third month the meeting idea was dismissed, even though I sent several reminders that it was due. Those meeting ended up pointless anyway, because I would give out ideas and express some concerns, only to get a "I'll look into it," which I knew immediately meant that idea was getting wiped out of memory once we left the room. I gave up trying. I felt unheard. As time passed on, the only moment I was getting pulled into that room was so that I could be told of something I did wrong. That weighed me down heavily and was often the source of me going home crying. I could feel something was wrong with me emotionally but was too exhausted.
In the end of my time, I was trying to communicate with the managers for a most stressful task I was in the middle of, appealing for help, and I met either deaf ears or replies telling me to stop bothering them. I was so desperate for someone to hear me that I may have come across in my messages a little strong -- you know how that can get after reading some of my things. I'm not sure if they were or not, but I wanted someone somewhere to lend a sympathetic ear, and I found no one. There were few things that took the hardest toll on me than this did.
I don't really like talking bad about people, because I know they were just doing what they thought they needed to do, but this affected my emotional and mental health which in time lead me to my job loss.
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| I never considered this before. |
