No Regrets

I've spoken a lot about all the struggles I went through during my teenage, particularly my high school, years. All of the struggles with performance anxiety, with having confidence issues in general. You'd think those years were the most miserable time ever. Well, in some ways, they were, but in other ways, they weren't. I had a great support group in my church family and as I've mentioned recently, the participation in the community theater groups and a choir that helped me find friends with not only my peers, but also adults who helped me stay afloat during those tender years.

Upon discussion with my family about plays we were all involved in, I was brought back to that initial traumatic experience I had with my first play tryout (at 13), experiencing not only performance anxiety, but also humiliation from the director's treatment. I know that had an effect on me for everything following, but I asked myself if I regretted going through all of it. The simple answer is no. Yes, it did ultimately test and try my confidence levels. There were some extremely difficult feelings I had to process during those times, but you know what I learned from all of this? I learned about my strength. Despite being the underdog with all of the hindrance of performance anxiety and also the fact that I was years (I'm talking up to at least ten years) behind in experience from my peers, I kept trying. I kept trying out for things. I kept allowing myself to face the anxiety. I allowed myself to feel the constant disappointments. But I kept trying. Even though it became clear to me that I had no future in performing, it still remained educational in helping me deal with difficult situations, particularly in allowing myself to feel those deep painful feelings and let them process and being able to not feel embarrassed that they exist. Sometimes, they take time to process, but once they are, I'm able to pick myself up and move on. On more extremely important lesson I learned: how to identify the harmful negative thoughts and to stop them in their tracks. Also, I now appreciate those who could pull off a fully confident performance with the ability to either to deal with their insecurities, or to have none altogether.

I didn't feel like I belonged in any group, or clique in high school (though I did try a hand at a few), and even though it left me out of place, the truth is that sometimes I liked it. It gave me the freedom to move about where I wanted and associated with anyone I wanted. Instead of just being with my little group of usual friends, I had good relationships with all sorts of people with a variety of talents. The drama kids, the choir kids, the band nerds, the dancers, the smart, cheerleaders, jocks, cowboy types, I had someone I was friendly with who belonged in each of these groups. Most of these were peers I grew up with, or got to know in classes, but sometimes it was great just to find someone in the foyer or hallway and be able to have a friendly exchange with no cares about what others think.

I have to confess there are some struggles I didn't handle very well that have affected my future self, but doesn't that happen to a lot of people? On the whole, the things that I struggled with during these years weren't worthless, and as a result, I have no regrets.

Standing on the stage looking out in the high school auditorium. I was in a couple of plays on this stage for community and high school performances for theater and choir. It's also where tryouts were held, so maybe while looking at the room size, you might understand why an inexperienced timid 13-year-old might be frightened.

Standing on the stage looking out in the high school Little Theater.  I did several plays in this room with both the community and high school. I have many fond memories in this place.